Sunday, June 7, 2009

Public Service Announcement - DANGEROUS FUGITIVES ON THE LAM

Following Saturday's tragic news of Vendors Bludgeoned to Death over Happy Song, I of course immediately rushed over to the gory aftermath of the Texas Scottish Festival (which will stoically continue, as the festival is scheduled over June 5th to 7th -- the show must go on!). After exhaustively interviewing the key more-or-less reliable witnesses Christine R. and Ethan R., I am pleased to present this public service announcement positively identifying the dangerous suspects involved in Saturday's bloodbath!

Suspect #1 - "C. Rose"
Christine Rose Retro Diva
The first suspect is known to frequent seedy karaoke dives, and we expect she can be easily apprehended there. She can be positively identified by her (1) Bad Pasty Makeup, (2) Alluring Dark Eyes (unconfirmed sources say she is some sort of evil hypnotist who can mesmerize unsuspecting persons into appearing on YouTube), and her (3) Tight Ass... about inane children's songs -- which triggered the outrageous fit of violence ending in Saturday's horror.

Suspect #2 - "E. Rose"
RotW head

RotW hand

The second suspect is some kind of accomplish or tag-along who drove the getaway vehicle, a suspicious green RV that eyewitnesses swear on Barak Obama's childhood Rubber Duckie to look exactly like a gimungous zucchini. Witnesses say he ducked into the RV and emerged shortly thereafter looking exactly like a mild-mannered carpenter, but his TRUE FORM is described as having (1) Fabio-Like Girly Red Hair, (2) a Hunky He-Man Chest, and (3) swinging a long, hard, thick shaft... Of stiff wood.

We'd like to remind our gentle readers that "E. Rose" is extremely dangerous. Here's what terrified award-winning author Christine R. had to say of her brief encounter: "I got tingles all the way down to my doodah! I mean, what woman wouldn't gasp at it? ...Uh, did I say 'it'? 'Him'--I meant, 'him'."

Other witnesses claim they saw vicious, bloodthirsty, man-eating, baby-rending, slavering hounds fighting over the carrion that was left after the carnage. One brave soul managed to take this picture of one of these devil-hounds.

If you should see C. Rose, E. Rose, or the Gimungous Zucchini, keep your distance! Contact the authorities! Not sure it's them? A sure sign is that they'll go on and on about some hapless boy lost in the woods.

Valiant vigilantes Christine and Ethan R. are hot on the trail of these vile perps to keep you updated! For the latest scoop, you can catch up to them at the Texas Scottish Festival on Sunday, June 7th, or on the road as they continue to promote their award-winning magical story of Rowan of the Wood, available now on Kindle. You can even request they appear in your bookstore and sign copies of their book. If they are in between tour locations, chat with them on Twitter.

Before I sign off for today, Ethan R., wanted to add, "It absolutely did NOT look like a zucchini! Everybody knows it's the Geekalicious Gypsy Caravan! Er... or at least that's what I heard. From sources. Who can't be named. Hey, look there! It's Chuck Norris!"

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